What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:17
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
What did i know ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
How do I become mentally strong?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Who then, do I blame.?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But it wasn’t much.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And i lived it daily.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I think the readers, may guess!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She married twice! .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
This is soul school!.
I waited trembling.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Was to survive, this bastard.
So, i spoilt her more .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So whats the point in blame.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was scared of men, in general
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I don,t even have a pension.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
When she asked me how she looked .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She loved him until the end.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I have no regrets .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We were not on the streets..
I never cut or harmed myself..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was very sick at this time too.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I write beautiful poetry .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was 9 years of age.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I could never make a relationship work though!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Would this be the day?
My life is so biszare .
I will be 64.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Ive learnt so much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Comes on , in middle age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
It was going to be , some day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i do to all so called friends.?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I said to her
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He knew the spot.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She found it foreign!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was seconnd youngest,
I couldn’t, believe it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She wouldn,t have been !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
All the time i was locked up.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot live in the past .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But ive been too sick for many years..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My family never makes their pension either.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im still living with it.
Put me off passion for life!!
We all went to grammer schools
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But, we were locked up after school.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,