What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 15:19
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What is the best comeback you used on someone?
Ive learnt so much.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Comes on , in middle age.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was scared of men, in general
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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She loved him until the end.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My family never makes their pension either.
How come Jesus died on Friday and rose on Sunday? That's not 3 days and three nights.
I have no regrets .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She wouldn,t have been !
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I will be 64.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
What is the most heartbreaking thing your child has told you?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I said to her
He said he loves me, but why is it difficult for him to leave his wife?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But it wasn’t much.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
All the time i was locked up.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But, we were locked up after school.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It was going to be , some day.
I was very sick at this time too.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My life is so biszare .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was 9 years of age.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We were not on the streets..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He knew the spot.
I think the readers, may guess!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One cannot live in the past .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As i do to all so called friends.?
What did i know ?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Would this be the day?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I waited trembling.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She married twice! .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Put me off passion for life!!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So whats the point in blame.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When she asked me how she looked .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So, i spoilt her more .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But ive been too sick for many years..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Who then, do I blame.?
And i lived it daily.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was seconnd youngest,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I write beautiful poetry .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She was in good health!
Im still living with it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I don,t even have a pension.
She found it foreign!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He resisted the act ,that day.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
This is soul school!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was dying to do it , i knew.